Drinkers fault-finding guide

DRINKERS FAULT-FINDING GUIDE
============================

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front
          is wet.
Fault   : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to
          wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.
          Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking
          technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer
          unusually pale and clear.
Fault   : Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault   : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault   : Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain
          to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault   : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Sudden sharp pains in back.
Fault   : You're standing in front of the dart match.
Solution: Move, complain loudly, and get one of the players to
          compensate by buying you a drink.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault   : You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not
          complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a
          flourescent strip across it.
Fault   : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
          drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you
          up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of
          teeth and dog-ends.
Fault   : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as falling over backwards.

Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet.
          You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault   : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not
          treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault   : The pub is closed.
Solution: Figure out if you can get to the drinks. If so, everything
          is OK, else panic.

This circulated the newsgroups before Tim Berners-Lee invented www.